PT

I've just got back from a session with my personal trainer (PT) and rigor mortis is setting in.  I call him 'my indulgence' but really the workouts he gives me have become a necessary part of my routine.  I work at the hospital four days a week and on Tuesdays (my day off) I make sure that my mental and physical health takes priority.  That doesn't mean I necessarily look forward to the gym, it just means that it is what I do to make myself feel better.  There is never a session when I come out and think, "I wish I hadn't done that!" - it's always a positive thing, even if I didn't run very far or manage to lift the weights that I could last week, that's irrelevant. The main thing is I was moving and concentrating on moving and therefore not thinking about other stuff.  

It also helps that I get on really well with my PT - we talk about everything and anything and have a laugh and also it can be a bit of a therapy session - hopefully for him as well as me.  It's good to have someone you trust who you can talk to and who is a friend but in a professional way.  Of course, looking and being fitter will ultimately help me to feel better about myself, so that is one less thing to weigh on my mind and worry about.  I've been seeing Dan for 2 years this year and would definitely recommend a few sessions with a PT to anyone who is lacking a bit of physical confidence.  I have gone from barely being able to step at 60 steps per minute on the elliptical cross trainer (after my surgery) and too nervous and unable to try the treadmill, to lifting heavy weights and doing planks and anything else he throws at me - sometimes literally!  I'm easily able to run (not fast!) for 45 mins on the treadmill.  The progress has been slow but steady and definitely worth it.  Of course, personal training does not come cheap, but I cut back in other areas and make it a priority and it is money well spent if you see it as an investment in health.  

Seeing the Rainbow

Sometimes it's good to not analyse or try to control everything.  Just sit back and enjoy something for what it is.  It's all the more precious because it's impermanent. Flowers, pets, cake, rainbows, rainbow cake! friends, life.

Reaching out for for happiness doesn't seem to work.  Happiness, or contentment, is a by-product of doing what you feel is important to you.  I believe it's a feeling that life is full, you are comfortable, you are happy with what you have - you have no longing for "things". This leaves you free to be creative and feel a sense of accomplishment.  In "The Antidote" by Oliver Burkeman, he describes the "negative path": the idea that the more we strive for happiness and other feelings like security and confidence, the less we achieve them. So, paradoxically, it is by thinking more about the downers in life, such as the inevitability of death, the inescapability of suffering or the impossibility of security, that we achieve something like happiness. He concludes that although extreme insecurity is a bad thing, it provides one huge benefit: you cannot be worried about losing your security if you don't have any to lose in the first place.  This is quite a freeing way of thinking, and is certainly how I've felt since my cancer diagnosis.

That's why cancer makes you look at things differently.  The security you thought you had is taken away.  You are forced to face up to impermanence and embrace impermanent things.

I enjoyed making an ephemeral piece of art today. I was inspired to create some environmental art in the style of Andy Goldsworthy.  In the past, I don't think I would have understood the thinking behind this at all.  Spending a long time making something and knowing that it will just deteriorate?  But I was really absorbed in the work for a good couple of hours and enjoyed other people coming up to ask about it.  It was a very pure mindful activity, making something for the sake of it and creating something beautiful but non-lasting.  I made it in Bramford Community Garden and plan to do a similar activity for some Girl Guides we are working with tomorrow evening.  

What do you think?

Flourish is a word commonly used these days instead of happiness, When we flourish, we often feel happy, but that's simply an effect of the real goal, which is to live in accordance with our natures, doing the things we do best to the best of our abilities. Rather than seeing this as the indirect route to happiness, we should see it as the direct route to what it actually is. Happiness is neither the journey nor the destination, it's simply something we encounter on the path when we travel the right way. 

And it Stoned Me...

Let's not forget about the drugs!  Seems apt for a Glasto. weekend.  As a trained pharmaceutical scientist, I can firmly attest the more the merrier. Prescribed only of course.
My favourite at the moment is Venlafaxine.  At first I took one a day but it wasn't enough. Was on 3 a day for a few years but have gone back down to 1 a day which allows me to get through a day of work without crying (Bonus! Never a great look in the Stairwell of Tears, which is like the Bench of Tears on Eastenders but grimmer surroundings).


Venlafaxine, or (R/S)-1-[2-dimethylamino-1-(4-methoxyphenyl)-ethyl]cyclohexanol as it is known to it's friends, is an anti-depressant but has another advantage in that it reduces hot flushes. I was always good at those before my illness but now when one comes upon me I really do NEED to fling clothes off immediately. At least I can mostly manage to curb that impulse as required.

Only just had a look at the potential side effects on Wikipedia - let's hope they're wrong about a few of these, which include:

• Headache — an often transient side effect that is common to most serotonin reuptake inhibitors and that most often occurs at the beginning of therapy or after a dose escalation.
• Nausea — an adverse effect that is more common with venlafaxine than with the SSRIs. Usually transient and less severe in those receiving the extended release formulations - oh, so that's alright then.
• Insomnia
• Asthenia (weakness)
• Dizziness
• Ejaculation disorder
• Somnolence
• Dry mouth
• Sweating
• Constipation
• Nervousness
• Abnormal vision
• Anorgasmia
• Hypertension
• Impotence
• Paresthesia
• Tremor
• Vasodilation
• Vomiting
• Weight loss/gain
• Chills
• Palpitations
• Confusion
• Depersonalisation
• Night sweats
• Menstrual disorders associated with increased bleeding or increased irregular bleeding (e.g. menorrhagia, metrorrhagia)
• Urinary frequency increased
• Abnormal dreams
• Decreased libido
• Increased muscle tonus
• Yawning
• Abnormality of accommodation
• Abnormal ejaculation/orgasm (males)
• Urinary hesitancy
• Serum cholesterol increased (especially when treatment is prolonged and it may be dose-dependent)

So sweating, chills, weight loss and gain, depersonalisation (no personality?) Well, that explains me then.............

Have a great weekend everybody

K xx

Raising Awareness (1) - Paul's Cancer Support Centre

For a long time I couldn't talk about cancer without getting upset.  In January 2014 I turned some sort of corner and was able to present my experiences to a group of people invited to the 30th AGM of Paul's Cancer Support Centre; including local GPs, Macmillan nurses, centre users and other volunteers, along with some of my lovely friends who turned up to support me.  I was asked to talk about how the Centre had benefited me, which of course I was happy to do. I honestly don't know where I would be without some of the people I met there and the techniques I've learned to help in stressful situations - most days I think I use something I learned! Yes, life working in the NHS doesn't get any easier!

The photo below of myself with Mr. Nicholas Hyde, Clinical Director at St. George's Hospital and Dr. Anthony Cunliffe, Macmillan lead GP for Wandsworth, was taken for our local Wandsworth Guardian newspaper which published an article to raise awareness of the Coping With Cancer Stress Course.  The course is now available on-line.  

I indulged myself with a favourite quote from Tove Jansson's Moomins at the end of the talk:
"For a while she considered being ill, but then she changed her mind".

I was trying not to laugh with my hair tangled in the flower arrangement behind!

Community Garden

I joined my small local community garden in 2011 (Bramford Community Garden), as a way to meet new people who didn't know I'd been ill.  I've always enjoyed pottering in the garden and found that growing seeds and vegetables in the garden was an absorbing pastime. Volunteering had been quite a theme on Coping With Cancer Stress Course - finding something you enjoy and creating a purpose and feeling of accomplishment has been shown to help many people suffering after serious illness.

Photo Credit: Ollie Smallwood (http://www.olliesmallwoodphotography.co.uk/)


At first, I enjoyed just digging and planting on a Sunday, getting some fresh air and meeting some new people.  I genuinely forgot about what I couldn't do physically and concentrated on things I could do. I began to notice small things changing each week; the weather, a bud opening, different insects.  Taking photos of these became an interesting focus and then we started a weekly newsletter, so I began to look for more arty shots, inspired and generously encouraged by Ollie, a fellow volunteer who is a professional photographer. 

It has opened up many other opportunities.  We encourage local corporate volunteers to come and help out, so that is a great way to meet people I wouldn't normally and we arrange activities to help improve the garden and also fun things to do for the younger visitors.  One photo competition for the girl guides provided our banner photo on the Facebook page.   We visited Hampton Court Palace Flower Show as a community group and were kindly allowed to go on a preview day before it was open to the public in exchange for some media promotion (Hampton Court visit).

I now look forward to our gardening sessions, knowing that the local people appreciate what we do and finding something new every week to enjoy.

Tea With Ovacome 2013

This photo "rocking the kaftan" (designer: BEyouT) was taken a year ago at the "Tea with Ovacome" day that my friend organizes at the Mayfair hotel.  I am now a "veteran" model and took part again this year in the fashion show that forms part of the entertainment during the gorgeous spread of cakes and sandwiches that the hotel lay on.  This year 250 people attended, with all proceeds from tickets and raffles and auctions going to Ovacome, a charity that supports women with ovarian cancer.  It is dear to my heart as I attend a monthly support group for younger women with ovarian cancer.  Although my cancer was uterine, rather than ovarian, it is also rare in younger women and there are no suitable support groups for women like me who are (were) pre-menopausal.  The younger group was set up by a very dear friend who is no longer with us, and I like to go to help keep her spirit alive in the group, but also it is an uplifting experience and I have met some amazing and inspirational ladies who I am proud to call my friends. 7 of them were my co-models in the fashion show, which took place on Saturday March 16th this year.  We had a lot of fun and there was plenty of giggling and nerves back stage, but by the time we had practised our walks and attitudes all morning and chosen some suitable music, we were well into the spirit of the thing and were cheered on by the welcoming crowd.  Hopefully a good lot of money was raised for the charity.  My colleague from work generously donated her time and talents to create some Mehndi tatoos and to help us with our make-up, which she did so well last year.
I'm already looking forward to next year........

In Praise of Slowness

I've been thinking about Mindfulness and picked up a book from the library this week called "In Praise of Slowness" by Carl Honore (2004), which provides a thoughtful discussion about how our lives have speeded up, how we try to "save time" and are often "time-poor". I have attended several courses about Mindfulness while I have been recovering, which is all about attempting to remain in the present moment and not thinking about what is ahead or behind us; after all, the past is gone and the future we are imagining probably won't happen as we imagine it. This is a type of meditation which I have found useful to calm my mind a bit and stop certain thoughts going round in circles. 
After I first went back to work, I often found myself thinking "how am I going to get through today?".  The answer has been varied, but at first I found it absorbing to spend time in my tiny back garden after work, and to plant and nuture vegetable seeds.  I think it basically gave me something physical to do which was not too strenuous and did not require any detailed thinking, but was absorbing enough to reduce whirling thoughts about my illness. 

I have since expanded the gardening a little bit by volunteering at a small local patch of community garden, and through this met some very nice people and taken advantage of a few opportunities that would otherwise not have presented themselves; for example, a group of us were asked to go along to Hampton Court Flower Show to take part in a photo-shoot for a national newspaper.

I really appreciated and enjoyed the day, which enabled us to wander around the show gardens and talk to the designers and exhibitors before the Flower Show opened to the public.  I seem to have digressed a bit.  The point I was thinking about which I have found to be true is that in our world of "buy what you want when you want it" I have found infinitely more pleasure in watching my own peas and strawberries grow than just getting them from a shop and I really appreciate their smell and taste and all the more considering the hard work that goes into looking after them; fighting a battle against the British summer weather, either too hot or too wet, as well as pigeons, slugs, snails, mice etc.  In this way I have tried to slow down my thinking and as a bonus side-effect manage to produce a small amount of food for myself.   I don't think anyone has ever been as excited about a pea as I was when I saw my first pea pod ripening in that Spring a couple of years ago.  In a good vegetable year (not last year, unfortunately) I am able to have something on my plate almost every day that I have grown myself, it may be a few lettuce leaves, some mint or chives, a handful of blackcurrants or some lovely juicy strawberries or tomatoes.  I enjoy them one by one and really it has made a wonderful addition to my life.